Im sorry for the Loooong delay between posts. I couldn’t write.
Im just not feeling too excited. Apparently when you’ve bought something, especially something big like tickets to Europe, its normal to have what is called ‘buyers remorse’. I think I have that…
Im not so sure I want to go to Europe now. Its such a long trip, a huge expense, a long time away. Im terrified at take offs and landings. What was I thinking when I said with gay abandon ‘this will be the trip of a lifetime’… It feels like a sentence right now. My tummy isn’t happy either.
SInce MH370 its had a gnawing feeling. The more people say. ” Wow, such a long trip!” …it gnaws some more. “Europe is so expensive!” It gnaws some more. No matter how often I say to myself, it will be alright, Im not. Something inside me isn’t sure it is going to be alright.
I had this feeling once before. I thought in the end it was depression. My hair started to fall out, I developed excema around my eyes, I felt itchy all over. Sometimes I found myself crying for no reason. One day Ren stopped the car and yelled at me,
MUM, this is ridiculous! What are you crying for?
I don’t know, I answered. It was like I turned into a child and she was the adult now.
I went to Yoga so I could learn how to meditate. I discovered later those were the bits I dozed in. It was lovely, but then I had to wake up and get back into the real world. Tara made me write a diary every day. I wrote angry stuff, every day, as if I was writing lines on detention. Lauren told me I needed to remember that everything will be alright in the end. What kind of stupid advice is that I thought.
But I don’t know what will happen in the end. If I knew I might not worry, I wailed like a child.
You don’t need to know right now, she calmly said. You only need to trust that it will be.
But what if its not alright. What if its terrible?
Then it won’t be the end, she said…as if that was a very reasonable assumption.
Then suddenly one day I realised I was writing differently. It was lighter and looking forward. My hair stopped falling out, My itch stopped…and it was all right.
Ive just realised I wasn’t depressed then at all. I was stressed, and that’s whats happening now. Im stressed, thinking about all the possible negative outcomes. Im not quite sure how I change that feeling as its so powerful, but I will start that mantra right now.
It will all be alright in the end… It will all be alright in the end…It will all be alright in the end…
I still feel sick…